We all make mistakes.
And mistakes are often followed by shame or guilt, bringing difficult questions on the level of responsibility and damage, and the (im)possible hope for forgiveness and change.
Jaspers, in the 'Question of German guilt' (2000) establishes 4 types of guilt - criminal, political, moral, and metaphysical - yet for each of them, "the guilt question is more than a question put to us by others, it is one we put to ourselves". As Jaspers points out, shame and guilt are strong emotions because it is about us with ourselves rather than others' views on us.
Shame and guilt are strong enough to either motivate us to escape those feelings - through defensiveness or denial -, or increase their intensity - leading to behaviours such as: over-apologising, over-punishing oneself, getting stuck, being traumatised by 'being the author of the mistake', losing confidence, etc.
No one wants to be a terrible person, or worse, a terrible person again by repeating a mistake: taking responsibility and fully understanding what's happened is key to allow yourself to let go and grow. How?
- Pause and disconnect from the anger, the denial, the inner-rambling about what's happened, the shame or guilt. Find a quiet place and breathe, meditate, or walk in nature.
- Remember that we all make mistakes: it doesn't mean your responsibility can therefore be minimised, it means that you can't judge yourself or let yourself be judged from a place of pure perfection. It wouldn't be realistic.
- Observe how those negative emotions feel in your body, how they express themselves in your thoughts, associations of thoughts, comparison to other past events, etc.: write it down, describe it. Does it bring back other memories? Do you feel like blaming someone else, even from the past?
- Get feedbacks once you are ready to listen to them, then turn back to the previous step and see how it feels for each feedback.
- Forgive yourself.
Compassion is not about making excuses and avoiding accountability: it is about adopting a neutral and caring perspective. It is about stepping back and understanding who you were when you made your mistake, maybe who you hate you were/ are, who you would like to be and who you would have liked to be. It is about accepting and releasing the negativity - not the facts. Self-forgiveness is an act of self-love: there is no room for denial or endless over-explaining, rather silence and support.
- Think about how you could learn from your mistake: what ways of behaving and thinking can you change?
- If you wish to apologise, remember not to make excuses. You might not be forgiven but you can offer a real apology and possibly a plan of action in order to avoid making the same mistake again. To apologise to yourself, you can try the Oponopono practice - an ancient Hawaiian tradition to help you grow from a mistake to personal accountability and gratefulness for becoming a better person.
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