Why is it sometimes so difficult to let go?
Letting go of pain, sadness, expected - hoped for - outcomes, anger… the idea of being light and free from the burden of the past and heavy emotions is appealing, yet it is sometimes almost impossible.
All those emotions can trigger deeply rooted patterns and habits that once served us. Those patterns can block the process of letting go:
Let's take for example someone who grew up in a very competitive environment, with lots of pressure to people-please and deliver results. This person might find it very difficult to fail to deliver the outcome they are hoping for: sometimes it is a quality (determination, stamina, focus), sometimes it can become an issue (when withdrawing or changing plans would be more strategic).
Now let's look at the potential background: every time they succeeded in people pleasing someone (for example a parent figure), they could exist in the eyes of that person. Since their own needs weren’t acknowledged, how they felt wasn’t as important as the outcome of pleasing someone else. And when they would fail, it was as if they weren’t really existing.
Therefore failing at achieving something can trigger this pattern of ‘not existing if not successful’. It doesn’t mean that intellectually that person doesn’t understand that ‘doing everything in our power’ doesn't guarantee success, but on an emotional level and even on a physical level, it might be a huge challenge to accept that it is ok to fail.
In this case, letting go can feel like an internal fight rather than moving forward in life.
There is an other aspect to letting go that makes it a very difficult process: losing something.
When we move on, we leave something in the past. It is usually a moment of freedom, but when that something we lose - anger, expectations, dreams, projects, etc. - was what we had, maybe all we had, then it becomes painful.
For exemple, if someone fought for months for a work project to finally hear that it won't be happening, it can be very painful. The same can happen with emotions - anger, sadness -, habits or dreams: they gave us a voice (anger tells us what we can't accept anymore), they told us what we truly wanted for ourselves (sadness points the finger at what was important to us), they brought us strength, motivation and stamina. And one day, they no longer serve us yet we hold on to them because of everything they did in the past.
In this case, letting go can feel like losing rather than gaining freedom.
There is also the pain of not knowing what will happen next:
Letting go is not about trading something we know for something we have lots of information on. It is simply leaving something in the past because it is not serving us any longer. Sometimes, it is easier to be stuck in a past we are familiar with than to take a leap of faith and jump into the unknown.
For example, it might be easier to keep blaming an ex-partner or past relationships than to heal and embrace the future, because that future might not be better - it might just be more failed relationships. Therefore not letting go and keeping the habit of blaming ex-partners can feel like a protection from potential future hurts.
In this case, letting go can mean not protecting ourselves rather than empowering ourselves.
If that resonates with you or someone around you, be kind to yourself or to that person:
- Remember that if something is difficult, it is for a good reason: no one is being lazy, slow, unable, or stuck for ever. Each person has their own strengths, characteristics and life experiences, making it sometimes very easy to deal with certain situations, and sometimes more challenging to deal with others.
- When you see yourself not letting go and suffering from it, try and see what is the most challenging part of it for you: make lists, see if something triggers memories or feels more painful. Step by step, you will gain clarity on your own feelings and struggles.
- Remember that it is ok to be someone who can’t let go or who is in the process of letting go, even if it is for a very long time: your path and your growth is what matters.
- If you feel confortable, talk about it with people you can trust in a safe and respectful environment.
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