When friends blame themselves for past behaviours they regret so much that they keep reviewing the events into details, criticising themselves as if they were responsible for everything, how do we usually react?
Most of the time, we are kind and compassionate, we take them back to this moment just before everything went wrong and remind them that they did what they could at that time, to the best of their abilities. We invite them to step back and forgive themselves in order for them to move on and avoid repeating the same mistakes: instead of blaming themselves, we wish them to learn, to grow and to regain their confidence.
And what do we tell ourselves when faced with the same feeling of guilt or shame?
Interestingly, we are very harsh on ourselves as if we didn't deserve the same treatment. There is sometimes the idea that blaming ourselves is what will allow change, and that it is a necessary step to take in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes. There is even sometimes the belief that being very harsh with ourselves - possibly before anyone else - will bring a catharsis or a penance that will allow us to be pardoned. But are blame and guilt the most efficient ways out of it?
In order to efficiently change and avoid past mistakes, we usually come up with a plan of actions to regain control: such a plan requires discipline, dedication, sometimes restrictions (avoiding certain behaviours, people, places, conversations, etc.) and therefore a great deal of motivation.
Blame, shame and guilt can help us find temporary motivation. Indeed, they go hand in hand with fear: fear of ending up in the same situation again, fear of witnessing ourselves repeating the same mistakes, etc. Fear, as discussed in a previous post, is a powerful emotion meant to keep us alive and bring us back on a safe and positive track, from survival to life. Fear can therefore motivate us and help us change ourselves. Yet, just like some road signs forbid certain actions, fears will help us avoid some situations or behaviours but won't tell us where we want to go; who we want to be.
In order to become a better version of ourselves - the one that won't repeat the same mistakes - we need directions: when only fears, blame and shame exist, there is no open door. It is like driving on a road with only stop and speed limitation signs, and not a single sign telling us where we are headed. By answering the question "who do I want to be?" we can find those directions. It requires an open and positive state of mind that can't be found in blame and guilt: this question invites us to look at the future we aspire to live, not at past actions. In order to see the bigger picture and overcome shame, we need a process that elevate us without erasing a past we want to learn from: we need forgiveness. Fully acknowledging and accepting what happened brings a sense of peace and authenticity, an alignment that makes us feel safe within ourselves. It allows us to move on and move forward.
Here are a few ideas on how to switch from guilt to "who do I want to be?":
- list everything you didn't liked about a situation and yourself in it: e.g. in the case of conversations that went awful": "I was aggressive", or "I was distant", "I was so angry I couldn't listen", etc.
- Optional: list the fears you can identify behind - if possible: e.g. "I feared that they would take advantage of me, I feared they already judged me and wouldn't changed their minds, I feared how I felt would never matter", etc."
- Breathe into it, try to see if you feel something in your body when you read that list: connect to those bodily sensations if relevant or simply focus on inhaling and exhaling profoundly.
- Forgiveness is a process that each of us deal with in our own ways, yet starting by acknowledging yourself with kindness and repeating affirmations such as "I forgive myself for XYZ", "I accept that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes", "I forgive myself and love myself" can really help as it creates a safe space in which you can freely express yourself.
- When you feel ready (take all the time you need), list who you would like to be next time: e.g. "I would like to be assertive and kind at the same time, I would like to be more in control in order to pause the conversation if I am not able to listen anymore, I would like to take the time to understand others' points of view", etc.
- Once that is done, see where you can find help or tools to help you reach those goals.
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