Do you feel that sometimes, nothing will ever change - the difficulties, the pain, the many obstacles?
When we have been struggling with something for a very long time, it is difficult to believe that we will witness changes.
Yet it is important to remember that everything changes, whether we like it or not, whether we want it or not: do storms last forever? Do seasons stop changing? Do we stop having basic needs such as the need to sleep, or eat, leading us to act on it? No.
Life only exists because of changes happening every second. Therefore, as long as we are alive, our present reality is destined to constantly change. Good things can become better, or turn bad, or change from good to bad then good again. Bad things can change too. They can get worse, or better, even amazing.
It is a scary thought: it feels like there is a movement to life, a rhythm, a music sheet hidden somewhere, and sometimes circumstances make us feel like this movement is stronger than us and there is little we can do about it. It is frightening to feel that all we can do, at best, is to survive by trying to adjust. This fear, with time, can become anger, or disappointment.
The thing is, fear is initially meant to keep us safe and to help us evaluate our best options to serve our goals, starting with our pursuit of happiness. Fear moves thoughts, hormones, bodies, emotions, in order for us to come up with a plan and bring us back on the best possible track.
When fears start to dominate and become the only mode we have, we are out of balance. Fear is an emotion we deserve to experience like all the others, but not one of them should permanently dominate. Emotions are a beautiful harmonious system allowing us to live a fulfilling and happy life. So when fears dominate, it is time to challenge them: today, I would like to talk about desensitisation.
Let's say, you absolutely hate spiders but there aren't many where you live: this phobia is under control. Now let's say you develop a strong fear of insects, and spring brings them all at the same time around you: you won't be able to function and desensitisation can help you deal with this situation. It will create a safe and gradual exposure until you are ready to deal with more, and even become at ease with insects.
Let's turn back to something overwhelming, and for a long time: "I have tried everything to deal with XYZ (a person, a situation at work, etc) and nothing worked: it's been years, I don't have a way out, I am desperate".
1) Make a list of what you fear you will never experience again, for example: "I fear I will never experience a friendship like that again, I fear I will never fit in this work team and any other team, I fear I will always be in pain and never be healthy again, etc".
2) Then define and detail as precisely as you can those experiences you miss: "What I loved about this friendship was our last minute trips on weekends, our conversations about philosophy, our passion for tennis, etc. My dream working team would have a group of 2-3 colleagues I am especially aligned with, with a genuine passion for the products we sell (even out of work), this XYZ work balance would be respected, etc. Health is being able to feel the sun on my face outside, laugh with good friends without thinking of anything else, etc."
3) Break it down even more if needed, the idea is to come with a list of achievable goals.
4) Try and make a few things of that list happen: for example, you can plan 1 trip with a new acquaintance, or with a group of solo travellers. The element of "last-minute" and complicity won't be there, but you will have the "trip on a weekend" experience. Try and find something you have in common with 1 colleague. Try and find a way to spend some time in the sun or an experience close to it if impossible - warm room with a specific sun-like lamp. Even if it is only 3% of your list you are achieving, it is 3% you stole to your dominating fears.
As Epictetus said, there are things we can control (our behaviours, thoughts) and others we can't (external events, given circumstances, etc.): Epictetus was born into slavery and ended up befriending many eminent figures of Ancient Rome thanks to his passion for philosophy.
Every time you gain 1% of the list from step 3), you rebalance yourself, you reduce your fears and you create this movement of life - even just a little bit - that was dominating you before.
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