"It runs in the family", "an eye for an eye", "once a ..., always a ...".
We have all heard those sentences that keep us stuck in a loop. Sometimes it is a compliment that provides us with a feeling of belonging we might enjoy - e.g. "You are a maths genius like your parent and grand-parent, it runs in the family!". And sometimes it almost feels like a curse: we dreaded to become like a parent-figure yet we don't know anything else so we become passive observer of a reality we don't control, we aspired to change but everyone around decided differently and it feels like one person against the world, we wanted to take the high road but we feared it will be perceived as a weakness others could take advantage of, we wanted to change habits but it was so painful we gave up, disappointed at ourselves.
It stops now.
You can't change the past but you can break the cycle today.
Here is a list of what can help you:
- If you keep turning back to old habits, re-train yourself alone or with a therapist: the idea is to re-route your behaviour and/ or thinking patterns, to catch them before they start owning and controlling you. For example, you can decide that instead of texting the wrong people and engaging in negativity, you will always first use pleasant and relaxing apps on your phone every time you take it. Or you can add layers of access codes to delay and ideally stop this behaviour.
- Fate and determinism have nothing to do with past generations and your family, your social environment or some higher power controlling you: fate is what you wish it to be for yourself and determinism is the logical consequences of your (not someone else's) actions, thoughts and choices.
If you inherit furniture or clothes you hate, will you keep it or will you find a new happier owner? If someone tells you who you should be (the fun one in the group, the engineer of the family, etc.), is it just someone's opinion or is it an indisputable universal truth?
You can decide of your own fate anytime you wish: everything in life changes - seasons, time, the cells in our bodies, etc. You can change the definition of your own fate as you evolve, and this is the natural flow of life.
- If you lacked care, love or support in the past and you feel it is affecting your life today like a heavy weight or a curse, focus on finding what you wanted for yourself: it would be perfectly understandable to dwell in criticism and sadness, especially if you have experienced traumatic events, but it won't help you.
Every time a painful memory of "lack of" pops in your mind, analyse what you would have liked instead. Look around for inspiring examples and role-play them: what would you say if you were that person who always had it all? how would you behave? how would you talk to yourself? if you can't find the answers to those questions, ask inspiring people and/or seek professional help to understand what is stopping you in this visulisation exercise.
- If you would like to take the high road but keep treating others like they treated you, you need more autonomy and perspective: they are deciding on your actions as you mirror theirs. Mindfulness exercises can help you see the bigger picture and focus on what you want for yourself rather than organising your life around a clash.
#confiself#innervoice#personaldevelopment#focusonthegood#confidence#mindful#grateful#selfempowerment#selfawareness
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