Anger is a secondary emotion (i.e. comes after fear, sadness, etc.) and sometimes escalates very quickly with an intense cycle of trigger-escalation-peak-recovery-depression that feels like a disastrous rollercoaster, hurting others and yourself.
It can also fester in silence and end up expressing itself in less explosive and direct ways - but it can be just as damaging (e.g. the silent treatment can be a form of anger).
It easily feels out of control.
Anger management can be tricky for many reasons but I’ll pick 2 aspects here that I believe are especially challenging:
1) anger (words said, actions, etc.) seems to have enough power to take complete control of a person. It is not a primary emotion, it comes as an answer to another one and therefore can appear as "justified"/ as "a logical consequence", which makes it harder to tame.
2) anger is not a condition: it can't be cured or surgically removed. Like any emotion, when expressed in a healthy way (e.g. assertiveness and not aggressiveness, communication and not explosion, etc.), it is important to our mental health and wellbeing. Anger is not a bad thing per se. Yet anger crisis can be so intense and destructive that it can be tempting to try and completely repress it. That’s why we talk about anger management and not anger suppression: it’s about finding a balance.
Despite those difficulties, it is possible to improve your ability to manage anger without avoiding it, and a first step would be to look at anger crisis with a form of responsible compassion. Without denying that words and actions might have hurt others, responsible compassion can help overcome guilt, reach a state of acceptance, and then it can allow effective changes.
Yes, mistakes were made.
Yes, it can be changed.
Here is an practice you can try if you feel ready to look at an episode of anger:
Start by looking at how you felt and at everything you wish you could say if you were free to do so: journal it.
Breathe while reviewing what’s happened, as if you were watching a movie;
Then allow yourself to express what is behind your anger, beyond the triggers and the primary emotions (such as fear, loss, pain, sadness, etc.).
What is it you can’t accept in this pain, in this sadness? What are you carrying and why do you have to carry it? Can you change that? Would you feel ready to share? How did that pain, loss, sadness, made you feel about yourself? Why does it hurt you enough to make you want to explode or to make you feel like you should keep it inside?
Allow yourself to express yourself fully, safely, with respect. Allow yourself to observe what's happened. Love yourself enough to be open to a compassionate review of events.
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